A vase with sticks glued to it

Sometimes I go to the gym. No, not as often as I should, but sometimes. And usually when I go, it's mid-morning when I know I can be there alone with just the trophy wives, weight-lifting enthusiasts, and the unemployed. I allow myself the guilty pleasure while I'm there of watching the trashy daytime talk-shows that I otherwise forgo.

There is a very good reason I don't watch these shows intended for housewives and stay-at-home moms. It is the same reason I probably never should have signed up for pinterest. I, for some reason, lack the filter that most people come equipped with that says, "Nope. That's not a good idea, that's a mess." I see a new recipe, or a new project, or something at Anthropology and think, "I should totally make that!" And, about one time in twenty, I actually do.

So, there I was on the treadmill watching Clinton Kelly do a segment on $1 DIY fall table-scape ideas and thinking: Oooo! Now, I should have known when I saw that his other ideas involved sponge painting on burlap, that this wasn't going to be cute. I should have known, if you hot-glue twigs to a vase, you're going to have a vase with twigs glued to it. But, no! I was excited about my fall craft idea right from ABC's "The Chew" to my kitchen.

Equipped with a $1 tall glass cylinder vase, sticks cut with kitchen shears off of the tree in my backyard, and a hot glue gun, I set to work. In the natural light at 2pm that day I was very underwhelmed with the result. I couldn't believe that any part of me, running or not, thought this was a good idea. But, I wrapped a little ribbon around it, stuck a scented candle in it, and tucked it in with my fall decorations anyway.

It really did photograph a lot better than I expected. I can see why it seemed like such a terrific idea when presented on TV. In artificial light, with the right camera angle, you can't see the little bits of hot glue holding on the sticks that looked so terribly tacky to me earlier.

But, I ran in to trouble when I decided to light the candle. For one reason or another it didn't occur to me that when hot glue is placed near a warm candle, it turns back into hot glue. So, I suppose I shouldn't have been surprised when I barely touched it and the whole thing fell apart. I ended up with a handful of sticks.

Rather frustrated, but now quite devoted to this stupid project, I went into The Chew website to get their official directions. It turns out that they didn't want hot glue, they wanted craft glue. Of course! I've got that.

The thing about craft glue that Clinton forgot to mention, is that it's slow drying. You can put a stick on glass with hot glue and it sticks in about 2 seconds. White glue doesn't work that way. White glue takes about an hour to dry completely.

So, I laid the vase on its side, propping it up on either side with crumpled paper towels so it couldn't roll away, and glued on a stick. One stick. At the only spot on the vase where it could balance. Then, I responded to few dozen emails. When it was dry I rolled the vase about an inch and attached one more stick. Then, I washed some dishes and swept the kitchen, took out the trash, and made a phone call. When it was finally dry, I rolled the vase about half an inch and attached another stick.

You can probably see where this is headed; It took 6 days. On weekdays I would attach one before work in the morning, then another when I got home, then one more before bed. In the end I would say it was 100% not worth it.

I don't know what made me think that this would turn out looking like anything other than a vase with sticks glued to it. No, scratch that. I know exactly what made me think that. Clinton Kelly told me so. I officially don't trust that gut anymore. But, I've got a vase with sticks glued to it with a candle in it! It's decorative.